Farking stalker...

now, wt do u do when u're suddenly the centre of attention of a blardy farking stalker? si bei jia lat...see, suddenly i am getting random emails on FB...trying to sow discord between my man and me...random adds from ppl who do not have a picture, no contact details, no friends...nothing...fella sends me emails...i ignore and block him...then another idiot tries to add me and sends me the same kinda msges, trying to sow discord...i ignore and block him as well...once tt is done, i get 2 more adds fr random faceless idiots...so i ignore, block and totally revamp my privacy settings...then ta da!!! idiot gets my number, i have no freaking idea how...and calls me from a blocked number...thinking it was home, i answered and the idiot says the same farking thing...i hang up on him...and guess wt happens? he continues calling me, from blocked numbers...i get it traced and found out tt it came from blk 123, yishun st 11...and he is relentless!!! calls me every 2 days, fr blocked numbers...i totally ignore him...his next line of attack? web sms!! he sends me, read this...a total of 51 msges over 4 days!!! i ignore them and block out web smses...not withstanding this, he adds my friends and sends them msges saying tt i m a cheap woman.. as***le realised tt indirect fire wasnt working so he decided to go direct...trying to upset me with words...my frens, of cos, like the gems tt they are, stood up for me and told him to fark off...then he gets his fren to add my family!! i mean...wth is the problem with u la, as***le ?!?! worst thing...farker hacks my precious FB acct!!! i have no freaking idea how but when he did tt, i totally lost it...felt like my life went up in smoke...he changes my profile pic and posts the same msg abt me on my status...the farking as***le!! and the problem is getting the reassurance...tt was when i decided to delete tt acct and start a new one and add only my close frens and family...even now im getting calls fr blocked number...m so not picking up...first me, then me, then me, then me,then my frens, then my family...wt? past life karma is it?ever heard of retribution?!?! wait for it, u as***le...u'l get ur just farking desserts soon...for trying to tear apart my peace...there is a God and there will be retribution...i will find out the truth and i will get the strength to face it...i have made my peace with my God and He will take care of me...for He has not forsaken me in times of my need...

turmoils...

after more than a yr, yes i am back...hopefully to stay...where shall i start?maybe with how i m gonna contradict wt i said in my last blog...no no no...not abt the great new job...it is still great...luv my frens, my students...cant stand the morons...but hei!! i dont get to deal with those morons on a daily basis now do i? tt's a pluz point...

i meant abt God...i admit...it has been more than half a yr since i prayed...since i actually went to the altar or temple to sit and pray...cos i guess i dont have it in me to trust anymore...many tell me tt i m fortunate...well, i guess being under privileged of sorts when u're much younger drives you to make sure you never EVER face poverty ever...makes sure u slog ur ass off to make sure u always have moolah in ur hands, no matter wt happens...but to be ridden with issues one after another?tt's really not fair, especially to one who always said Your name...it seems tt everytime i seem to spot the light at the end of the tunnel, it suddenly seems like i blackout and i wake up to darkness, have to feel my way around in the dark for a long time before i spot the small fragment of light...no wait, maybe tt sudden flash was my imagination...it has been happening so often tt even i am surprised abt the intensity with which i can actually pretend tt You do not exist anymore...and soon enough, if i keep repeating it to myself, it might just come true...first when i walked out but met someone, it seemed tt he adored me, he loved me and he really wanted to take care of me...now it doesnt seem like tt anymore...then it seemed tt all my illnesses were gone...nothing i had to worry abt...and wt happened? i got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis! well done God! give me another blow..oh wait...You did! you made sure my mum came back and made me feel smaller than ever before, more useless than ever before...they say tt someone can only get to you when you want them to but if tt person's main aim in life is to get at you for no rhyme or reason?!wt are you gonna do?to get called names by the ones you love? to get belittled by them? to get verbally and emotionally and, at times, physically abused by them? and all you do is tell yourself tt love bears all and try and put up with it["Love is patient kind; love does not envy, doe snot boast and is not proud; it does not dishonour others, not self-seeking, not easily angered and keeps no record of wrong; love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth; love always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres; love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)]...but how long can you?

when you realise tt u always seem to be on the losing end?i have come to the point tt i do not go back to anyone...i go to work, go home super late, sleep then repeat the cycle for the wkdays...wkends? now tt's another story...i go back to work too!!! why waste my time sitting around when nothing is gonna happen? i might as well make good use of my time and get some marking or stuff done...

my masters is over...done...the end...i send my appreciation and gratitude to all those helped...but if u wana take credit when you did zilch,do me a favour and eff off will ya pls??!you know who you are...i was even told tt i did my mba cos of this person's motivations...this person apparently started me on this path and said tt all those things done spurred me to get my masters...i wish i could kick and scream but i chose to let it be...tt's another place where i hink God failed me...cos all the time, this vengeful scoprion has been telling herself,'dude, let it go...God's there...God will handle it...' and til now, i dont see any chance...things are the same, if not worse...and i dont see the people learning a lesson at all...now you see why else?sigh!

i have to yet to receive an answer from God...if i dont, i think all of you know where i am heading...now, i have to work at leaving this place...so many foreigners...you cant even move around...cant go kopitiam and order kopi without a china national looking at you puzzled wondering wt is kopi pekat!like WTF la!!! then u think this stops with hawker centres...then realise tt malls?!?!same problemo!! aiyo!! how like tt?!?!?i cant buy a place here, as mentioned before for 2 reasons...first, i aint 35 yet...(oh! when you're 35, you definitely wont get married...so never mind i let u buy one...or...so young?confirm cannot pay...better get married...find a partner, no matter how screwed up he is so tt you can move out of your parents place...)bollocks la!!!second reason is cos the damn prices are like sky high la!!!COE go up...GST go up...housing go up...petrol prices go up...public transport fares go up...jam everywhere...something's gonna give soon....you mark my words...even if i havent done my mba, i think common sense will tell u tt sonn it is gonna CRASH!!! big time!!! and you also feel like a 4th class citizen in your own country...

the weather's not helping...and all tt digging...any wonder why indon is having so many earthquakes?!?!i m sure we're partly to blame for it as well..all those vibes...any small space available gets eaten up...nice old apts tt were huge ass get an-bloc...then in a space tt had abt 10 blocks of 8 apts, they build 20 blocks, each 30 storeys high, of apts...each apt is probably a th quarter of the previous occupying apt...but the irony?!?!you pay 4 times more!!!does tt even make sense anymore?!?!you want tt sprawlin garden?!?!leave, go somewhere else and get it...trust me...here you can earn 5digit salaries...but you cant get a flat cos you're considered rich but you cant get a private property cos you gotta bleed to pay for tt puny pigeon hole...half tt salary, you can get a nice rental apt tt allows you to save for your small dream HOUSE...read, not apt...HOUSE!!!i can go on man...really...

oh but wth! it's just gonna fall on deaf ears...ppl can just tell you,'aiya! you just have something against the country!' but fail to see the reason why the girl who was such a patriot (i used to stand tall and proud and even cry when my national anthem or any old school naitonal day song was played!) suddenly just hates this place...try being told tt you cannot become a lawyer cos you're indian...try being told tt university places are allocated according to quota system while being a minority...try seeing your money go into a white&white uniform pocket everytime you pay your tax...try seeing your salary never go up while your ministers are getting paid hundreds of thousands of bucks for making the simplest decision...try asking for justice when everything seems to be covered up here...the list can go on man...sigh!!! shall stop here...let's see when i get the time to lament next...

Resurrection...

so i have been missing...not just in action...but in words and speech and almost everything...i am back...or so i hope...busier than ever...but ironically, happier than ever as well...new job...new environment...new things...new everything almost...2010 started slowly and the big bangs started happening somewhere in march...have gotten my divorce finally...got a new man in my life...moved back into my mum's place (after a harrowing december renovation...i shall save that for another time!), though she aint around (win-win situation for both of us)...finally made the move to leave the place that was pulling me down like quicksand...said goodbye to civil service...

there is a God...believe in God...troubles are just God's way of making sure you become stronger and after all that testing, God shows you the light at the end of the tunnel...and i was shown the light...at my new work place...shall not reveal it yet but it has made me realise that risks are meant to be taken..only calculate them so that you dont end up looking like an idiot...

tendered my resignation in may and made june 23rd my last day in the old place...the irony was that when i signed the contract with the newplace, i was given time to consider..which i used to the max...thought to myself,'let's just give this place another chance...after spending 8.5 yrs here, let's see if things can change...let's be neutral...' and the thing is that nothing got better...things were the same...mindsets were the same...nothing was gonna change...it was God's way of telling me,'I have given you the chance. it is up to you if you want to take it.' decided that i would be totally a dumb, brainless, bimbo (i gotta admit that i look good anyways!) if i didnt take the opportunity to do something else...and i did...i left...i was asked to reconsider...i was told that i was not gonna be let go of...suddenly, kom's worth was realised...too late folks...you are on ur own now...i miz my mates tho...and do i need to say how much i miz my lame-oh students?! you have no idea how much i miz them...i miz the soulful intimacy i had with them...how i knew each and every one of them...their parents were surprised that i knew their kids so well..hell!! even the kids were surprised themselves...

but i aint complaining cos i have learnt that the pastures are greener on the other side...much, much greener...it is just a matter of working hard to reach those pastures...i aint complaining about having anywhere from 11 - 27 students in my class...not complaining about work ending at 430pm on some days, when i start at 830am...i am not complaining about the long, well deserved, untouched 7 weeks of holidays at the year end (other than the fact that i mite be super duper bored after some time!!!)...

i know that right now, my job and my masters are taking precedence...my masters more important than not...i got my first ever A in my mba (thank God for tt!!!) which upped my GPA..then the stupid econs prof (the one who could never remember what he was teaching or where he had left his things or if he had marked my assignment or if he checked his email...the list goes on!!) gave me my very first D+!!! which then brought my GPA back to the same old 3.xx avg...dammit!!! but i can do it...i wana make sure that i can get more A's and do well for my mba...which i am sure i can...after i graduate, i wana see where life takes me...what i am supposed to do...for now, work n study...

i never liked not knowing wt was going to happen...i was always the 'plan and know so that you are prepared' kinda person...so this is very weird for me...not knowing what i am going to do in less than a yr's time...i finis my mba in apr...grad in july...after tt? marriage? kids? leave sg? new job?! i dont know wt's in the cards for me...i want to be happy...i know that much for sure...i want to be really happy...i want to achieve things for myself and my family and my kids...i want to be happy...

wish me luck... :D

slower than a tortoise...

is it me or is time going by SO DARN slowly?!?! the only moment when the clock seems to speed up is when i m sleeping...other than tt, it seems like a big drag...i have too much time on hand now n i m thinking too much...too much thinking is bad...especially when i, the typical Scorpio, always have the tendency to see the glass as half empty n let my imagination run darn wild...i want to go to the time when i have no time to stop n think..let alone think too much...tt will probably be next week...m really looking forward to my classes to take my mind off things...somehow, i wana work things out...i wana be happy...i wana be THE one...i wana be successful...i already have an idea of how this yr mite turn out like...like a sliding door moment...2 paths, 2 possibilities...one, i can go all out n burn myself n get really bitter abt things...or i can go all out n try to do all i can n acheive all i want n be a happy woman...i m gonna try for the latter...wana stop cryin n be happy...i wana be successful, prosperous n very happy this yr...n i want it wif the ones i luv...the ones i want to have around me...my man, my sista, my doggie, my frens n family...

kanna, i luv u...sab, i luv u...chockee, i luv u...u mean the world to me...i m nothing wifout u...thank u for everything...sorry for everything else...

why?

i m tired of cryin...tired of pretendin tt i m fine...i m not...i m so not ok...i put up a bloody iron wall...so tt no one knows wt freakin mess i m inside...how long more before i can recover?! i need time to heal...properly...so tt all my wounds heal...u know d feelin of wounds splitting open? or when one wound is healin, another one is made fresh? it feels like tt...when m i gonna recover completely? they come one after the other...discontent, diagnosis, detachment, divorce...n now this...cannot...

i muz have freakin pissed someone off up there in either my past life or in my last 30 yrs of existent for these to be piled up one on top of the other...i m breakin...n work juz started again...n my classes have not even started yet...week 2 of term 1 is the time when my life gets super hectic...when i wont have any time to even breathe...but maybe, tt mite be a good thing...takes my mind off every damn thing tt is happening...can someone fast forward time to next week pls??! i wana stop thinking n crying abt this...God,please give me the strength...i juz want to be happy...no more cryin..no more cryin...no more cryin, pls i beg u...