turmoils...

after more than a yr, yes i am back...hopefully to stay...where shall i start?maybe with how i m gonna contradict wt i said in my last blog...no no no...not abt the great new job...it is still great...luv my frens, my students...cant stand the morons...but hei!! i dont get to deal with those morons on a daily basis now do i? tt's a pluz point...

i meant abt God...i admit...it has been more than half a yr since i prayed...since i actually went to the altar or temple to sit and pray...cos i guess i dont have it in me to trust anymore...many tell me tt i m fortunate...well, i guess being under privileged of sorts when u're much younger drives you to make sure you never EVER face poverty ever...makes sure u slog ur ass off to make sure u always have moolah in ur hands, no matter wt happens...but to be ridden with issues one after another?tt's really not fair, especially to one who always said Your name...it seems tt everytime i seem to spot the light at the end of the tunnel, it suddenly seems like i blackout and i wake up to darkness, have to feel my way around in the dark for a long time before i spot the small fragment of light...no wait, maybe tt sudden flash was my imagination...it has been happening so often tt even i am surprised abt the intensity with which i can actually pretend tt You do not exist anymore...and soon enough, if i keep repeating it to myself, it might just come true...first when i walked out but met someone, it seemed tt he adored me, he loved me and he really wanted to take care of me...now it doesnt seem like tt anymore...then it seemed tt all my illnesses were gone...nothing i had to worry abt...and wt happened? i got diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis! well done God! give me another blow..oh wait...You did! you made sure my mum came back and made me feel smaller than ever before, more useless than ever before...they say tt someone can only get to you when you want them to but if tt person's main aim in life is to get at you for no rhyme or reason?!wt are you gonna do?to get called names by the ones you love? to get belittled by them? to get verbally and emotionally and, at times, physically abused by them? and all you do is tell yourself tt love bears all and try and put up with it["Love is patient kind; love does not envy, doe snot boast and is not proud; it does not dishonour others, not self-seeking, not easily angered and keeps no record of wrong; love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth; love always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres; love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8)]...but how long can you?

when you realise tt u always seem to be on the losing end?i have come to the point tt i do not go back to anyone...i go to work, go home super late, sleep then repeat the cycle for the wkdays...wkends? now tt's another story...i go back to work too!!! why waste my time sitting around when nothing is gonna happen? i might as well make good use of my time and get some marking or stuff done...

my masters is over...done...the end...i send my appreciation and gratitude to all those helped...but if u wana take credit when you did zilch,do me a favour and eff off will ya pls??!you know who you are...i was even told tt i did my mba cos of this person's motivations...this person apparently started me on this path and said tt all those things done spurred me to get my masters...i wish i could kick and scream but i chose to let it be...tt's another place where i hink God failed me...cos all the time, this vengeful scoprion has been telling herself,'dude, let it go...God's there...God will handle it...' and til now, i dont see any chance...things are the same, if not worse...and i dont see the people learning a lesson at all...now you see why else?sigh!

i have to yet to receive an answer from God...if i dont, i think all of you know where i am heading...now, i have to work at leaving this place...so many foreigners...you cant even move around...cant go kopitiam and order kopi without a china national looking at you puzzled wondering wt is kopi pekat!like WTF la!!! then u think this stops with hawker centres...then realise tt malls?!?!same problemo!! aiyo!! how like tt?!?!?i cant buy a place here, as mentioned before for 2 reasons...first, i aint 35 yet...(oh! when you're 35, you definitely wont get married...so never mind i let u buy one...or...so young?confirm cannot pay...better get married...find a partner, no matter how screwed up he is so tt you can move out of your parents place...)bollocks la!!!second reason is cos the damn prices are like sky high la!!!COE go up...GST go up...housing go up...petrol prices go up...public transport fares go up...jam everywhere...something's gonna give soon....you mark my words...even if i havent done my mba, i think common sense will tell u tt sonn it is gonna CRASH!!! big time!!! and you also feel like a 4th class citizen in your own country...

the weather's not helping...and all tt digging...any wonder why indon is having so many earthquakes?!?!i m sure we're partly to blame for it as well..all those vibes...any small space available gets eaten up...nice old apts tt were huge ass get an-bloc...then in a space tt had abt 10 blocks of 8 apts, they build 20 blocks, each 30 storeys high, of apts...each apt is probably a th quarter of the previous occupying apt...but the irony?!?!you pay 4 times more!!!does tt even make sense anymore?!?!you want tt sprawlin garden?!?!leave, go somewhere else and get it...trust me...here you can earn 5digit salaries...but you cant get a flat cos you're considered rich but you cant get a private property cos you gotta bleed to pay for tt puny pigeon hole...half tt salary, you can get a nice rental apt tt allows you to save for your small dream HOUSE...read, not apt...HOUSE!!!i can go on man...really...

oh but wth! it's just gonna fall on deaf ears...ppl can just tell you,'aiya! you just have something against the country!' but fail to see the reason why the girl who was such a patriot (i used to stand tall and proud and even cry when my national anthem or any old school naitonal day song was played!) suddenly just hates this place...try being told tt you cannot become a lawyer cos you're indian...try being told tt university places are allocated according to quota system while being a minority...try seeing your money go into a white&white uniform pocket everytime you pay your tax...try seeing your salary never go up while your ministers are getting paid hundreds of thousands of bucks for making the simplest decision...try asking for justice when everything seems to be covered up here...the list can go on man...sigh!!! shall stop here...let's see when i get the time to lament next...